I'm going to preface this by saying I wrote it without looking back and haven't re-read it. It's, like an entry from Sept., a streamline of thought that I had to express and get out of me. I can't express how estranged I feel from myself right now. I hope you, whoever you are (whomever??), can understand for me. Thanks.


I feel like my time here has run out. I'm just so lost, and never really happy with this place. I don't know if it's me or not, and that's the biggest problem. I'm at a school with such a great talent pool (in my opinion, at least) and I can't bring myself to be happy to be here. I feel like I'm letting myself fail so that I can be forced to leave. Is it because I can't accept that I don't want to be here anymore? I honestly can't even tell. I just feel like there are one or two singular things making me stay, but so much of me seems to want to leave. So much of me wants to be happy, but at the same time I feel like I can't leave. I feel like going back to Dallas, transferring to UNT or UTD or something would be just as wrong because I'm afraid of going back. I am afraid that if I go back I won't ever leave, I'll just stay and get stuck in the black hole of my home. And I know I can't go to another school like OCU, or a better one. I can't even afford to go here but my parents put themselves through so much so that I can go here, and I'm not even fucking happy. And even though I know they're suffering financially for me to get the education I wanted, I let myself throw it away, and I let myself throw money away, pretending that since most other peers here are wealthier than I that I am at their level. And I'm afraid to leave because of the people that I got to come here. When I came here I was so happy. I was so excited to learn new things and to meet people and that got friends from Creekview (my high school) to come here also. I feel like if I leave I'm telling them that my initial happiness was a total lie. I just don't know what to do, I loved my first year here so much, and learned a lot, but I just feel like this entire semester has been pointless, and I can't say there's been a moment where I wasn't hating something about this place. Hate is a strong word and I've had it thrown at me a lot but I don't mind throwing it back, especially when it comes to a toxic, suffocating environment like this. Do I make myself stay, hoping that somehow next semester will be different? I don't have the strength to make it different, and I really don't see this place changing for me ever. They'll just use me, and when I do achieve success, hail themselves as the creators of it. Use me as the reason they are great. The fact that I initially only wanted to come here because some blonde chick named Kristin Chenoweth went here sickens me. My naivete at the time sickens me. Coming here did teach me one thing, at least, and that is that people who become Kristin Chenoweth, Kelli O'Hara, Linda Twine, they don't become who they are because of OCU. Not at all. They become who they are because they were always that person.

If one person that has abandoned me would just reach out, genuinely, for one fucking second I would stay. Not just say "hi" in passing because they're obligated to because we once understood each other and were close friends. But because they fucking cared, and didn't care what others said about their friendship with me.

one of the reasons I keep telling myself not to leave is because of Dr. Knight. I have learned a lot from studying with him. I can still learn some, I'm sure. but I just don't want to write what I don't want to write. I can't bring myself to write this music that exists only because I'm supposed to write it. Maybe one day I'll want to write a god damned string quartet, maybe one day I'll actually like the idea of composing a brass quintet, but today, I want to write for myself, and I can't even do that here it feels like. The second I was told to stop brining in vocal music because we have to focus on other things was the second I knew I couldn't be inspired anymore. I feel so much in me, but I see it dwindling from the haggard corosion of this place. I feel suffocated by what I have to do, because it "provides a solid classical foundation that will lead me into whatever path I want to follow" [musically]. No. I don't believe in that anymore. Maybe it's because I already had this coming in, maybe I'm just discouraging myself for the mistakes I've made. I should have taken Music Theory 3 my first semester. I was ready to jump to that level, and I was ready to not even take Piano at all the second I got here. But I let myself and it has killed me. I'm not happy here, but I can't leave. I'm afraid to give up on this place just because I'm not happy. Maybe it's because I once was so inspired and fulfilled by this place. But even then I could see the glass start to crack (metaphorically). Maybe it's because my car had a lot less dents and scratches on it before I came here, also.

I'm done venting. I don't know what I'll do. Do you want to give me your advice?

Oh and I wrote my Tony speech today it's really good:

"I came to New York to follow my dreams and I came to Broadway to accomplish my goals and I came here to night to win a Tony AND I GOT IT MOTHERF*CKERS. Good night Radio City (or wherever they'll be held)"

You talk about life, you talk about death,
And everything in between,
Like it's nothing, and the words are easy.
You talk about me, and you talk about you,
And everything I do,
Like it's something, that needs repeating.
I don't need an alibi or for you to realize,
The things we left unsaid,
Are only taking space up in our heads.
Make it my fault, win the game
Point the finger, place the blame
It does me up and down,
It doesn't matter now.

'Cause I don't care if I ever talk to you again.
This is not about emotion,
I don't need a reason not to care what you say,
Or what happened in the end.
This is my interpretation,
And it don't, don't make sense.




I'm really happy to say I'm no longer reeling at all from the beginning of this semester. It's weird, when I came here last year I started my life. And then when I went home this past summer I grew it there, so coming back here was like trying to jump from a highwire and the friends that I had last year were the metaphorical net that would catch me. But most of them didn't catch me. Now I feel like I have a balance, and I'm really satisfied.

I'm even warming up to writing instrumental music. It freaked me the fuck out at first, and it wasn't even until October that I started my first piece. Dr. Knight and I agreed that my musical inspiration always draws from a need to give music a dramatic purpose. It's like, why start writing an opera if you don't know the plot? The music, the style, the words, all need to come from the story. And it took me a long time to realize that with instrumental music. So I'm almost done, and my first purely instrumental piece since the Violin/Cello duet I wrote for my High School teachers is a Brass Quintet. It's based on the Hans Christian Anderson fairy tale "The Little Match Girl." I think it's decent. Definitely nice music, and with program notes you can definitely see how it illustrates the story.

My upcoming piece, which I'm much more excited about and inspired by, is for Clarinet/Viola/Piano. It's going to be based on the play Proof, which I love because the play doesn't at all lend itself to musical theatre adaptation, but it totally lends itself to this. It's really interesting the way we learn to write with Dr. Knight's guidance and the way other people write. Technically you can't say anyone has the right way, but I really feel like you can't get the clearest and most precise translation of the music in your head on paper any way other than what we do. Drawing lines across paper to map the arc of the music, writing sporadic dots and making rhythms out of them, even just writing down descriptive words above a staff of music with no music. The real composing happens in us all the time, in our heads and in our hearts. The "composing" where we write shit down (usually 30 minutes before our lesson with Dr. Knight) is just work, really. But it's fun. And seeing your music on paper or hearing it played back from the computer can open your mind to new ideas for it also. My favorite of the really abstract concepts is something that I did in High School. I'm using it with proof and it's gotten some really great music out of me. What I did is I write down words on the music staff, and then use the piano to notate the shape of the letters. It's so weird, though I doubt I'm the only one who's ever done it (it's not like I think I invented it) but I really feel like the concept is one of my "trademark" techniques now that I've used it more than once. And I'm totally okay with that. I'm also loving the idea of musicalizing plays that could NEVER be musicals. I'm pondering a four-piece ensemble to use for "Doubt" by John Patrick Shanley, and thinking about other plays as well. There was one that we did in High School that I loved, called "Intimate Apparel," and I feel like I could totally do that one for my piece where I have to use percussion. I've never written for percussion before, except for a drum set for "The Devil Wears Prada," and for Timpani in my full orchestra piece from High School (though I have no clue how legit that is, hahaha). It will definitely be a test.

I submitted all my vocal work to OCUStripped this year. I'm hoping something comes out of it but not expecting much. It would be so amazing if it did, and would really give me the springboard to get bigger people to hopefully want to perform my stuff. I guess the main problem is that if they pick me, that means that they DON'T pick aspiring writers from NYC or other parts of the country, who could potentially give OCU and OCUStripped a lot more coverage and word of mouth. For example I'm pretty sure Stripped waited until Joel B. New had left and moved to NYC before they performed his works. But hopefully they'll see what I see in myself and give me a chance. I've always felt really conceited about it, but I genuinely feel like I have this gift where I can tell when I write something or read something how to make it work on stage. I feel like I can see the perfect execution, direction, everything. I honestly was SO disappointed for the first few national tours I saw in High School because listening to the Cast Recording I had invisioned a much better production. I remember seeing Hairspray and thinking that the blocking was so stiff and unreal. I remember The Producers was too "this is funny, now you laugh" about its humor (but then again that's Mel Brooks in general). I actually think the first production that impressed me was actually "Parade" here at OCU. Weird.

Anyway, where the hell are the bootlegs of Shrek on BroadWay?! I really want to hear the new material!! I've got to go, I have to shave and clip my fingernails and go to Composer Forum. I'll be on later so IM me friendssss... (aim=uhhbenjamminwtf)


-Ben