Blog of emotion

Hi. I'm just writing this here because there are only two people I remotely expect to come across and read it.

anyway two things are making me need to vent. The first one is this amazing guy named Chris.

We kind of were gonna hook up before Spring Break in March but that didn't happen because he is so adorable and he is an eagle scout and he was going on a trip down to camp on the beach in corpus christi. so we talked all week and then we met at the end of spring break. I don't know what happened but it was just this night where you meet someone that you just so effortlessly click with. And even though no one really noticed, for the rest of March I was a total mess around school. I guess I hid it well. but even though I tried to date other people, like Lucas, and while they made me happy, I have still found myself coming back to him. They're just these emotions you can't stifle..its weird. Anyway. I wasn't sure I'd ever see him again but I did.

on Labor Day we drove to Paulo Duro canyon (eagle scouts loves nature. <3) and got this amazingggg cabin overlooking the canyon. it was so pretty and then at night you could actually see the stars and we sat on the roof and watched the sky and drank wine. anyway it's just interesting how after so many things happen in your life from point A and B and you still feel such an intense connection with someone...it kind of makes things seem like they are meant to be. But they can't be. since my beloved lives in Kansas City. COOL right? :( Anyway we had an amazing night and now I am just as much a mess as I was last March. But I feel better about it. We can actually talk to each other about it this time. and we're there for each other. maybe not physically but there's a promise to see each other again asap. and i know i'm just being an idealistic kid but it just makes me hope that maybe one day we won't have to feel so lonely.

anyway and then someone i'd considered one of my closest friends just decided we shouldn't hang out anymore. Which I guess is cool. It's just confusing. I get the impression from the way I'm talked to that just because I would text her today instead of call her that i'm immature? Well news flash. My life doesn't revolve around you. I just spent the last night with someone I can't imagine never seeing again and you want to talk about how you don't want to be friends again, and I have to go to work and pretend to be happy and that I care about selling lotions and soaps to bigoted republicans, but because i texted you instead of called you I'm the immature one here? I'm done with any friends that remotely make me feel like i'm walking on eggshells when I'm with them. I don't care how much fun we have together, and really, I don't care that you don't want to hang out. However, I appreciate that you care enough about me to want the attention from me by calling me up to tell me we aren't gonna hang out anymore, instead of just letting things happen. Have the decency to be flaky or something, i mean, REALLY.

I put pictures up on my facebook. The canyon was so amazing. I couldn't get any pictures of the night sky, but if you haven't seen the night sky in the way it was naturally made (or God intended..if you so believe that), you really don't know what this world is like. to see that with someone i'm so happy with, to feel that immense feeling of worthless uselesness one gets from realizing just how tiny we are in the grand scheme of things, but to have someone there that makes you so content, it brings you to life.

i'm really just rambling now sooo good night